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Your relatives and loved ones threaten you? They are all invested with parental authority? If I absolutely had to control someone corrupt and dangerous, I *might* resort to warnings or threats. Does your meddlesome cousin think so little of you? I hope you've got lots of other friendly relatives to choose from for company. Try one who does not assume that you are prone to immorality and ready to lose control any minute... Or at least someone who can keep quiet and mind his own dirty business. Upright conduct that is enforced through threats and shaming means nothing.

...wtf #1. You sound like a goora.

Interesting, Miss Priyam. This 'wtf'... a common 'F-word' variant, isn't it? You sound like gaurii.

lol good one@ fettslaab

Oh fettslaab! How did you know?! I'm such a gaurii for saying wtf.

Dear Miss Priyam, In fact it was a wild guess, prompted by all the intriguing continuity issues: an energetic raiser of Hindi consciousness whose people hail from the South; an American-bred youngster who is generally more articulate than our university folk; a Desi lady who casually drops the 'F-word' and its spawn! All signs of an dynamic person who is learning a lot of things very fast. When these apparent inconsistencies are resolved. a desperate world will be waiting for you and the handful of people there are like you, to pitch in and help make things work. Cheers ! (silly Goraa expression I picked up on the Net...)

Dear Mr. Fettslaab, I see no point in arguing or "debating" for that matter, as I am weak in that area but I will say this- I realize I was wrong for commenting on your personal opinion on the post as I merely saw your comment as over the top for that (original post comment) is a typical indian scenario many Indians have to put up with. Thus I called you a 'goora' in the sense that only one so unfamiliar with the culture can react with so energetically to the poor girl's relationship problems. However, one cannot disregard the fact that her cousin might have been "kidding/teasing". These things aside, mr. fettslaab, I shall like to address the issue of my personality you described. I cannot tell if you were being sarcastic, or satirical, but you should not be so quick with judging my personality. I am constantly trying to improve it, and the "inconsistencies" you pointed out only help. Just a few things- I do not swear, not outloud, nor full form on internet. Forgive me for using 'wtf'. You caught me in one of those rare moments in life when I really do use that word. As for the part of "american-bred", please....I was born in India, I lived in India, and I was brought up culturally Indian, although I have to spend agonizing years in an American society (with many American born Desis) that I truly can't see myself an integral part of... But that aside, I am punjabi, Delhi born, hindu, not from south. Thank you. To conclude, fettslaab, I realize I am becoming no lesser of a person by apologizing (you're obviously not a goora) to you as I have noticed from other posts, you are a respectable person whose views match with mine in many cases. Namaste.

O teri bhains ki ankh.....I love the way you express yourself.....not being Sarcastic guys....love your english

Dear Miss Priyam, Not one jot of irony is tolerable in a note to a lady, nor to any new correspondent, who cannot be reasonably expected to imagine the writer as a speaker, with his intonation and intent. I am embarrassed that you should have wondered about that. I will be more circumspect. ...Thank-you for bringing the exchange back to the incident reported by the original poster. I know this situation is common, and that some sort of humour is often present, perhaps to soften the edges. Whether that really changes the nature of the intrusion, I can only surmise. Now to ramble just a bit. ...I witnessed the ruin of an entire family that had sought to transplant its 'extended family ways' a million miles away from its original 'extended family setting + village network'. These ways included the expectation that everyone would be checking up on everyone else, ceaselessly. None of that functioned here. Brief prosperity for one or two, but death or some other destruction for all, every last one of them. ...The main thing I recognise in this writer's situation is that parental responsibility -everything from the dispensing of spiritual education to feeding and daily shepherding- is greatly diluted throughout the clan, when there is one. The immigrant family leaves the clan and is forced to become nuclear. The parents have no nuclear-family skills at all... I mean it, none. I had to take the mother to the prison; I had to take her to the morgue; I had to look, when she refused. I had to tranlate, I had to explain... to her, to *them*, and to her again... over and over. For years, like that. Hopeless... ...and do I need to dwell on what it means for there to be no older cousin around policing the girls? No one to usurp the parents' role? I almost wonder what position I'm arguing for here. Can it really be the case that Desi girls need brothers and cousins and neighbourhood Uncles and Aunties to shadow them and report on them and amicably bully them ...to enforce upright conduct? ... because Desi girls have no deep beliefs, and cannot be trusted with their hormones any more than little dogs and cats running loose? 'Kidding', indeed. I would have been insulted to the core.

...arré, bhaiyyaa, paanii meN kyaa milaa tumheN ? hé hé hé..!

Dear Mr. Fettslaab, i'm glad your words were not saturated with sarcasm; I was very confused there, but you are right- one cannot be expected to imagine the writer as a speaker, with his intonation and intent. (you shouldn't be embarrassed by my misunderstanding). Indeed, even I who accused you of being a 'gora' as a response to what i thought as "unfamiliarity of the typical desi situation" could not have expected your experiences as a reason to your take on the issue. Now that I think about it a bit, it was a very foolish mistake- even my opinions and feelings are created by my personal experiences to society. I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Your response seems just compared to the unfortunate "wrongs" you saw. Again, everyone is entitled to their own opinion which must be respected. But I simply cannot let go of the fact that this situation might not be as grave as your experiences prompt. I believe my upbringing is to blame. I obviously cannot see that not every desi family is as understanding as mine. I see now that there are lots of people who the original problem applies to in a grave sense as your experiences show, and lots of people who the original problem applies to in a typical desi family way my experiences show. But again, I am quite younger than you, so my opinions might not have the same world view as yours. Because it is not certain the real situation the girl is in, both of our responses, I think then are a perfectly acceptable. Lastly, to touch base on the desi girl issue. Indeed, I do not think us teenage desi girls (yes, shocked are you? I am merely 16) should be stalked by our family to the extent described on this site. I personally think the stories have a hint of exaggeration for I have had no experience/have not seen such a situation arise in anyone I know...except one friend whose family is very conservative. When I think about her, I cannot help but side with you. I guess such an experience does not apply to me so I cannot see the graveness of the situation you are fighting for. But I can relate. I have my own story to tell as followed in my next post as this is getting too long...

There was a time when little Priyam was the lonely outsider in society for not getting along with ABCD kids and many American kids as well. It was during those elementary school years a girl from pakistan moved to America and became her friend. Little Priyam was too young to see differences in family back then, but all she knew to be happy with her best friend was that both of them shared the same cultural background and thoughts. Unfortunately, they were together only 5 months before they were separated. Middle school rolled around and although both planned on being together, she never heard from the girl again...until much later. What had happend to her? First day of high school: Priyam is seen staring at a girl whose name she cannot place. The girl is staring at her back and for 10 minutes they keep swiping glances at each other until finally Priyam goes to the girl and asks "Do I know you?" Instantly the girl yells back "Priyam!" and Priyam yells the girls name. Yes, they picked up right from where they left off but the girl wouldn't tell Priyam what happend. She claims that her family moved. Unfortunately in 5 more months, she moves again. Next time she hears from her is when Priyam secretly meets her at a nearby college. The girl has no friends, only Priyam, and has news to tell about her family problems. She cannot let her parents know she meets her, and tells her the most shocking news of Priyam's life: her life is a compromise. Her elder sister stole her parent's money and ran away to meet a boy she met on chat beause she was being forced to marry someone else. Her elder sister was caught before her flight, and was never yelled at, just loved for her parents feared she would run away again. Unfortunately, her dumb sister had no regrets of her consequences. All the female girls in the family, cousins and sisters, were now confined to a life of hopeless misery. All were beaten incase they try something like that, and all were told they were not to get an education further than high school so they could get married and become good wives. Priyam's friend told her that for the first time she would make her parents proud, as her father's health is highly unstable, by marrying a poor "pimp" from Pakistan who has no education just so he could come to the States and earn a greencard. Indeed she is to be wed this year, at age 17. Priyam continues to meet her discretely, once a year, with only one advice for her "you cannot change your situation, but you can change your attitude. don't give up hope for your education." What I don't see is, how are they going to survive if no one has an education?! Why is everyone in their family confined to the house, and cannot step out? Why can't any of the girls make phone calls or go on the internet without their parents watching? Fear. And unfortunately, she is willing to make her parents "proud" by giving her life to a boy who is only obsessed with womens' bodies. Do you see now fettslaab, why I can agree with you when it comes to this experience?? Indeed it may not be as powerful as yours since I have only seen so much of the world, but it has changed my life and my opnions forever. I feel so contradictory right now.

*hosh uR gayii*

In the Name of God, pity the child who only has to witness such a thing, and what of the one who has to endure it! Misère de misère de misère de misère! And for all of that, you remain compassionate and level-headed, and dare go see your friend, and advise her quite rightly to hang on tight to some decency, and keep aiming for self-betterment. When I picture those criminals in my mind, I can't see, I can't think.

yes, but fettslaab, my mother showed me a side to the story I could have never considered. You call her parents criminals for doing so...but if you were a parent whose daughter did such a deed, when engaged to another man, wouldn't you fear for your other daughters as well? Although imposing restrictions on all their daughters just because of the foolishness of one is NOT right, especially taking away the only thing that could make or break their futures, education, her parents are only doing what society expects them to do (not American society i dont think). But to tie up the story and make it seem as a happy ending, her views towards the situation are changing from helplessness to happiness. Her attitude is indeed changing as I tell her he will be kind, and he will have changed (her husband). Indeed she is excited to marry her "prince charming" and she is fulfilling her dutiful role of daughter. She is not letting go, like her sister tried to do, of her responsibilities to her parents. Her parents are not criminals, (this is where you and I do not see eye to eye) but parents who are afraid and looking out for their children however wrong their methods are. She is staying with her parents, as her father cannot take another "shock" due to heart problems. All in all, I think that type of person should not be pitied, fettslaab, but admired. It is a shame no one will really know her sacrifice and inner beauty, but I guess that adds to her righteousness. =)

sab kucch ho saktaa hai, Miss! A complex and intriguing story. I hope you keep in touch with your friend always. She deserves such a friend for life.

Thank you. I enjoyed this conversation with you.

Namaskaar, Arresting expression, extraordinary sentiment. Also: I'm grateful for the call to order. I was beginning to vent quite recklessly. The things you have just said about your dear friend come like a breath of fresh air. -J.F., Quebec City

Priyam = FOB ;)

lol yeah I know....I'm actually an Indian Born Desi. Guess that means I'm a fob? Woo! If I'm a fob, I'm setting pretty high standards for ABCD girls to appear more ABCD...I mean, a fob can beat them! ;)

holy shit guys, calm down. @priyam, why do you have to comment on everything? @OP, so is your cousin acting like that because he likes you, or is he just an overprotective relative?

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